Seven years ago I heard a “sacral scream” and it changed my life: The story of a 1/3 Sacral Generator

I look up to see I’m surrounded by the shuffle of coworkers packing up to leave our crowded, open-plan office at 5:30 p.m. I’m just about to close my laptop with a satisfying thud and join the steady flow of office workers snaking out to our well-worn routes home, but, in my brief pause, a notification dings from my email application and, without thinking, I immediately open the message. 

I wrinkle my nose as I see the sender’s name—a demanding and disrespectful client—but I read on; this is nothing out of the ordinary. I pause, fingers to the keys to answer her question, when suddenly I feel an immediate, overwhelming visceral punch in the gut and something inside of me screams, “Nooooo!”

I sit back in my chair. My vision clouds, and I try to make sense of what I’m feeling. In the almost-decade of my career, I’ve never had a physical reaction this strong to something as inconsequential as one email. This time, however, it’s suddenly clear: I can’t do this anymore.

I’m flooded with suppressed feelings from the last six months: dissatisfaction, anger, exhaustion. The constant headaches, depression, and frustration suddenly make sense, and something inside of me is speaking up.

In 2019, I was a typical 1/3 Generator living a conditioned life. For seven years, I’d been working as a Project Manager/Program Manager, and was working for a company that provided services for big Silicon Valley tech companies (think search engines, streaming, etc).

I knew for years that I eventually wanted to do something else, but the reality was that my job was going well from an outside perspective.

My accounts were growing, my employees were motivated and supported, and my clients were happy.

Looking back, I can see that what I was doing was a good enough fit for how my energy works that I kept at it. There was some satisfaction in my daily work life, and I used my money and free time to pursue my true passions—art, writing, and personal development.

However, a deeper feeling that there was something more, and the possibility that I could be truly excited by my energy and life force, quietly ate away at me.

The shift...

The positive parts of my life at work spiraled into darkness in the final nine months I was there. I accepted a promotion that felt like a good next step. However, the way it played out didn’t honor my energy. I worked past my limits and didn’t have enough time to do the parts of my job that I previously enjoyed. I was exhausted, angry, fed up, and so, so frustrated.

I felt like I was disposable and sub-human, and my thoughts, opinions, health, and well-being didn’t matter. I was severely drained, went home with headaches every day, slept poorly every night, and woke up with extreme anxiety. On the weekends, I would sleep almost all of Saturday. I lost track of all the activities that gave me joy—I was depressed, negative, and everything felt like one big chore.

I didn’t realize that the ladder I was climbing wasn’t my ladder — it was someone else’s. I wasn’t thinking about who I was and what actually satisfied me. The moment I knew I had to leave was one afternoon on a random Wednesday. Someone said something to me that made me feel negative and small. It was seemingly inane, and it was the kind of interaction I dealt with hundreds of times over my career. But for some reason, this time was different. The response from my Sacral was intense, guttural, and overpowering. It said, “NOOOOOOOO.”

At that moment, I knew this wasn’t where my energy was supposed to go anymore. There was no more for me to gain from being in that environment. I said to myself, "I’m wasting my life. I can’t go on pretending I’m not wasting my life for one more day."

I found the text that I sent to my husband right then:

The next day at work, I quit. 

I had nothing lined up, no plan, and zero clarity on what I wanted to do next. I was terrified but, for the first time in a long time, I decided to trust that internal “no” I heard, even though I had no idea where it originated from. A month later, I found myself at home, unemployed. As someone who found satisfaction, community, and purpose in my job, I felt much more terrified by the unknown than elated by my freedom. 

Over the next few weeks, two friends and a podcast I was listening to mentioned Human Design. “You would love it,” my friend assured me, but I was unconvinced. I had spent the last few years steeped in astrology, healing, numerology, and tarot, but I’d never even heard of Human Design. As an obsessive internet searcher, if it were that amazing, wouldn’t I have found it by now? 

Eventually, I acquiesced and found a website online to calculate my chart. The concept was promising, but the chart was overwhelming. I didn’t know how to decode the confusing jumble of shapes, numbers, and lines. The first time I looked at it, I closed the browser window and went back to worrying about what to do with my life.

But Human Design wouldn’t leave me alone. The following week, I was browsing my favorite metaphysical bookstore when there it was again, staring me down near the astrology aisle. I bought a book, downloaded my chart again, and began reading. I found out I was a Generator. My built-in inner guidance system? It was my gut, which spoke to me through “yes” and “no.”

This explained it all: the “Sacral scream” I felt on that fateful day at work, why I had experienced burnout, why my job started draining me when I got that promotion, why specific advice worked for some people and not others, and all the misunderstandings I’d had with the people in my life when I expected them to be just like me.

I was hooked. I became an obsessive student, devouring information, decoding dense theoretical texts, and frantically typing in my family and friends’ birth details.

I started a blog, faced my fears of financial instability and unemployment, and decided to lean into my Generator Type and do something I loved instead of running back to the shelter of my corporate career. As I learned about my unique Human Design and began making decisions from my inner guidance, I began to experience something foreign — true joy and satisfaction in what I was doing. I became more creative, aware, loving, expressive, and courageous. I met like-minded collaborators all over the world and, best of all, I went to sleep excited to start the next day. 

My blog passion project became a business as I started creating courses and doing readings, and Human Design became a way of life. My business grew into my full-time job and I was approached to write a book about Human Design, all because of my blog and content! 

I feel so fortunate to put my energy toward something I enjoy.In the years since, I’ve experimented with my own Design in every aspect of my existence, making decisions with my gut and sharing my experiences with others along the way. While I had no idea where my inner guidance would take me, I have had the opportunity to focus on what energizes me: blogging, podcasting, creating courses and guides, and helping clients all over the world understand their unique Design. I have total freedom over my time, I follow what feels like a “yes,” and I have seen massive expansion in my creativity and satisfaction with my work.

Human Design doesn't fix all your problems in life—by honoring your Strategy and Authority, you're not guaranteed only to have good experiences. However, what I've noticed in myself and our community is that when we live in alignment with our Type, the experiences we have feel meaningful, correct for our unique selves, energizing, and satisfying. 

When you live in alignment with your Human Design, it's like your life is finally *yours.*

Thank you for reading my story!